Owning Your Sexual Self

102. How to Initiate Sex

February 07, 2022 Rachel Maine
Owning Your Sexual Self
102. How to Initiate Sex
Show Notes

Initiation is something a lot of people struggle with. So many of us have a fear of rejection which often comes up when you’re thinking about initiating sex. So this week I'm going over the five different initiation styles directly from my Come As You Are book by Emily Nagoski. 

The five different initiation styles:
Provocative Seduction Style - You want to see their desire for you with a little skin, signs of arousal, undressing or posing for your delight, being approached with provocative teasing, playful hints or words of desire.
Sensual Touch Style - Physical touch is what you need. Caressing the neck, getting a massage, even direct contact to the genitals.
Emotional Connection Style - You respond to sweetness, romantic gestures, or connecting conversations. Demonstrations of love and sharing are essential to you moving into the erotic relm.
Sex Talk Style - Whether it’s being told how sexy you look, or being told what your partner wants to do to you, direct sexual words are what really opens up a context to erotisism for you.
Power Play Style - You’re bold. Maybe you like to dabble in bondage, kink, or bdsm things. The focus and attention in creating a power differential, either being in control, or being controlled. Being approached with confidence and urgency is key for you.

Just as we have with the desire styles, most people are going to be a mixture of more than onet. This is a great exercise to do with your partner and see what works for you as an individual, what works for your partner, and what works for the two of you together. 
What techniques can you do for each style?
Provocative Seduction Style - Send or show a sexy picture, take a provocative post, show more skin, hint at or joke about sex, engage in sexual planning, wear or don’t wear types of clothing, undress for their partner, tells their partner directly that they want to have sex
Sensual Touch Style - Caress all body parts including the non-sexual parts, kiss or caress on the neck, start slow, give soft gentle kisses, touch the back and butt, wake up with kisses or sexual touch, stroke the chest and nipples, and give a massage.
Emotional Connection Style - Act genuinely interested in what they have to say, arrange quality time such as a romantic dinner or event, address concerns or worries that they might have, make them laugh easily and a lot, engage in deep romantic conversation, tell them how much you love them, do something genuinely caring or thoughtful
Sex Talk Style - Tells them how sexy they am or how much you desire them, tell them the things you want to do to them, talk dirty to them, send a sexy message
Power Play Style - Pushing up against a wall or a bed, taking charge of the situation, is rough or forceful, demand you have them immediately, approach them from behind, surprise them, or be spontaneous.

When it comes to your sexual pleasure you do not have to wait for the mood to strike. If you’re waiting for the mood to strike, for the stress to go away, you might be waiting forever because even though one stressor might be put out, there’s always going to be another. So stop waiting for the *right* time. The more you wait, the more frustration you’re going to feel, the more that isolation is going to happen, you’re worry will build up between your partner, you might start to think some intrusive thoughts.  A great way to really help your partner’s blockers turn off is to make sure they feel attractive, supportive, admired, and there is no obligation to want sex. In couples that they feel that continuous love and admiration from their partner, sex seems to happen more naturally and in a more connected way. 

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