One of my favorite activities when working with couples is allowing them to describe to each other what their needs and wants in the bedroom. Oftentimes couples aren’t having this conversation with each other, which can leave someone being unsure what their partner likes or if they’re enjoying themselves. Couples are just trying to feel connection with their partner, and being able to share fantasies with your partner can be such an erotic yet, spiritual connection for people.
What exactly does fantasy mean?
Fantasy is a fanciful mental image typically one on which a person dwells at length or repeatedly and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes.
There are some things that we fantasize about that we don’t necessarily want to happen in real life. Sometimes your fantasy can present itself in real life, and in that moment, you can decide no, this isn’t what it looks like in my fantasy or this isn’t what I thought it would feel like. Some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies.
I want to give you three steps on how to comfortably share your fantasies with your partner.
Step 1- Get comfortable with your fantasies on your own. It’s really hard for you to ask your partner to do something with you in bed if you don’t feel truly comfortable with what it is you’re asking for. Practice having these conversations in front of a mirror, or just saying the words out loud to yourself in the car.
Step 2- Use leading and open ended questions. If you’re really feeling shy about talking about your fantasies, it can really be helpful to use these leading questions to gauge your partner’s response. Introduce the concept of the fantasy without specifically saying you’re interested in trying it. For example tell your partner “I was listening to this podcast today and the girl mentioned mutual masturbation. Have you ever thought about doing that together?”.
You’re keeping it a little vague, you want their opinion, and you want to hear what they have to say about it.
Step 3- Tell your partner directly why you want to explore your fantasy with them. There’s always a possibility that hearing your fantasy may bring up an insecurity for your partner. One way to get around this, to avoid that insecurity your partner might be feeling, would be to share why you want to explore that fantasy with them specifically. The reality is that most people want to explore fantasies because they enjoy connecting with their partner, not because the sex that they’re currently having is terrible.
Credit to Vanessa Martin, Sex Therapist for these three steps.
If you are sitting here thinking I don’t even know what my fantasies are, or what I want to explore, I would invite you to go to my website, and check out the masterclass that I did on this. It will walk you through one of my most favorite exercises for couples, the Want, Will, Won’t List. With this purchase you’re going to get my downloadable version of the list, and you’ll also get the replay of me walking through exactly the step by step on how to complete the Want, Will, Won’t list.
The list has so many things that you or your partner may be fantasizing about so it’s a great tool for couples to walk through together.
I’m hoping this fantasy episode left you intrigued and thinking that there are definitely some things you want to share with your partner. But also curious about what you might be missing out on. What other fantasies or types of things are out there that other people are doing that you might want to incorporate into your own sexual life.
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