I’m so grateful to have this conversation today with Doctor Alexandra Stockwell, also known as the “The Intimacy Doctor”. She’s here to talk about the importance of Uncompromising Intimacy.
Throughout at least North America the most common relationship advice that is given is “you need to compromise. If you want a happy marriage, you have to be good at compromise.”. If what you want is a pleasant, bland, companionship, then compromise will definitely get you there. But if what you want is electric passion through the decades and to really feel erotically alive and have a dynamic relationship, compromise absolutely will not do that.
When you’re compromising, you’re holding back your desires, internal experiences, preferences, even your challenges sometimes, and not sharing them so that your partner is more comfortable.
Uncompromising means bringing the whole truth of who you are, what your desires and preferences are. What is really alive inside you, bringing that and sharing it with your partner in a way that they can hear it.
When you’re spending all day compromising and holding back and disconnected and eliminating parts of yourself so your partner feels more comfortable, you’re not going to be able to come into the bedroom and suddenly be expressed, bring your whole self, feel passionate and connected and fully alive.
How do we make sure that we don’t become the person that is seen as bossy, or not always getting their way?
Take full responsibility for your own experience. You are responsible for how you feel, what happens in your life and how you navigate that. In taking responsibility for your own experience, you have to figure out how to express your desire with vulnerability. Say what you want with vulnerability as a way of sharing how you feel and then the two of you can decide whether or not you want to go ahead and take action.
What is happening when a couple may be losing the passion in a relationship?
Having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill. If you’re in a relationship and there is love on both sides, but it’s not fantastic, it’s your job to get some education, whether it’s therapy, coaching, or retreats or whatever it is. It absolutely is possible to have passion in an everlasting way whether you have it now or don’t. In a long lasting relationship, emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for sexual intimacy. If you’re not able to open up and have emotional closeness, then that is going to inhibit passion. Take the time to know what’s real for you and make a point of sharing that with vulnerability and connection. Things grow and evolve so another part of really enjoying passion for your whole life involves allowing the sex to be different in your 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and so on.
What if someone is hitting a point in their life where they’re wanting more in their relationship, but their partner isn’t meeting them?
It's so important to learn how to share your desires so that it is appealing to give to you. If in any way you’re making your partner wrong, it’s not going to go well. If you’re asking them to be someone they're not, it’s not going to go well. There’s a way in which you need to be self accepting and share who you are, and also accept where your partner is and who they are. Rather than fixating on any particular sexual experience, it’s more important to take your partner’s hand and say let’s go down this path together.
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