We’re talking about exploring all things non-monogamous with Erin Kaley. Erin is a sex, love and PLAY coach who helps women SPICE UP their sex lives, explore fantasies, threesomes, and more with their partner. If you don’t know, monogamy basically means that you’re committing to one person in the timeframe that you’re committing to that person. I’m having Erin on to educate us on exactly what non-monogamous relationships can look like and how to figure out if they’re the right thing for you and your relationship.
How did Erin get started in non-monogamy?
About three months into her relationship her and her partner started talking about non-monogamy, it came up by him talking about his friend who had gone to a hotel takeover lifestyle sex party with 1,000 plus people. All she had known of swingers at the time was the 1906’s put your keys in a bowl stereotype. As a self proclaimed nerd in lingerie, she has to know everything about everything. So she knew she had to learn everything she could about this too, it’s just so fascinating. There are so many questions and stereotypes in your head at the beginning, but once you get through those, it’s such a cool diverse community.
How did you know your relationship was at a point where you could withstand a lifestyle like this?
One of her biggest mottos is “following curiosity” so honestly she didn’t really think too much into it, and didn’t think her relationship was at risk. When she met her fiance, everything was so easy, she just felt so comfortable talking about everything with him, felt comfortable expressing her sexuality, playing with him, and telling him what she wanted. She went in with a lot of questions, but knew she could trust him, she knew if she felt uncomfortable that he would honor that and not push past that.
When is maybe not a good time to enter into this lifestyle?
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, when you have couples going through or had just gone through some infidelity and then a partner brings up opening up the marriage or becoming a polyamorous couple, it wasn’t coming from a trustworthy place, it was almost coming from a call for help. I feel like that's not the right space to explore non-monogamy.
Saying “I want to fix our relationship, so we’re opening up our marriage” Just puts up a lot of red flags for Erin. She believes from a core value that you have to have security in yourself and your relationship before ever exploring something like this, and if you don’t you will very quickly realize that you don’t. With that safety in your foundation, you have that freedom to play, and gives you the trust that you can come back to the safe place that is your relationship.
What resources would you recommend for people who want to explore this lifestyle?
The Ethical Slut is my go-to book recommendation. The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
@remodledlove on Instagram she’s hilarious and gives her own perspective on love, and non-monogamy.
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